Dandy and Sparky in The Rock Festival …an adult fairy tale for the Inner Delinquent

Dandy & Sparky Magazine

 This week: THE JOBSON TWINS

On December 10th 1990 Dick Jobson from the Jobson Dung Farm in West Devon brought a sample of manure to Tescoes Garden Centre in Little Witherup High St.  He said his cousins Amos and Ezekiel Jobson had produced this manure by a ‘secret, alternative, revolutionary and totally ORGANIC method’, and asked if Tescoes would like to sell it.  He also said it would naturally be more expensive than regular manure, as it is far more efficient.

 Manager Dermot Dribley said he would consult with his superiors and the sample was sent to the Tescoe laboratory for analysis.  It was found to be HUMAN EXCREMENT.

 Secret Tescoe scientists were despatched forthwith to the Jobson Dung Farm, which they tracked down to a small terraced house in Guildford.  Not only was this nowhere near Devon, but there was no sign of any animals, nor yet any cabbages.  JOBSON MANURE WAS ENTIRELY PRODUCED BY JOBSON BOTTOMS, at 100% profit.  This in itself might have been acceptable, but further tests showed the Jobson twins were MEAT EATERS.  This meant that by using the term ‘organic’ they were BREAKING THE TRADE DESCRIPTION ACT, because eating meat isn’t organic at all! 

 Since meat does not decompose in the same way as vegetable matter, faeces from the bottoms of meat-eating persons is highly toxic and dangerous when spread on the ground - it can, in fact, cause horrid diseases - so Tescoes quite rightly refused to sell Jobson manure to the public.  A spokesman made the following statement:

‘These are evil and dangerous men who are out to make a profit at the expense of public health and safety.  Selling your own shit might seem like a good way to make a wad of cash, but any right-minded citizen must realise it’s a disgusting and scandalous practice and must be stamped out at all costs.’

 This was not the end of the matter.  On 17th December 2002 customers complained of ‘unpleasant smells’ in the food bit of Tescoes, and further investigation revealed several crates of human shit cleverly concealed behind the shelves.  Following the discovery of Jobson fingerprints on the crates by forensic experts, Amos and Ezekiel Jobson were imprisoned for an unspecified period.

 Since then, however, similar incidents have been reported in supermarkets all over the country.  It is suspected that the culprits are the rest of the Jobson family, under the direction of the matriarchal Ma Jobson.  They have been cleverer than the original perpetrators - no fingerprints have been found on the offending crates, and the whole Jobson family has gone underground.

 Confusing the issue further is the rash of COPYCAT JOBSONS that has sprung up in the wake of this outrageous crime.  Young people suffering from loss of identity in this alienating modern society see the Jobsons as superheros and role models.  There has even been a pirate video glorifying their escapades.

 The reason we are bringing Jobsons manure to public attention is that, scared by the recent escalation in the planting of Jobson shit, certain supermarkets have actually started to sell the stuff.  There have also been sightings of the Jobson twins in various parts of the country, which suggests they have been released from prison.  We fear this will soon become a problem of epidemic proportions.

 The Government continues to fudge the issue and to do nothing about it, claiming that making it public will ‘give it too much importance’ and cause people to ‘panic’.  We suspect the real reason for their inaction is that they receive a large revenue from the major supermarket chains and they’re afraid the industry will suffer if customers are frightened to shop there.

 DON'T BE FOOLED BY THESE EVIL AND DANGEROUS MEN – IF YOU SEE SUSPICIOUS-LOOKING CHARACTERS PULLING THEIR PANTS DOWN IN TESCOES OR ANY OTHER SUPERMARKET, REPORT IT IMMEDIATELY!!!

 With FLOYD GROSSBURGER

 KRAUTWURST

 This popular German dish usually goes down well as a late-night snack when you’ve smoked an eighth of skunk, you’ve got the screaming munchies and any old shit tastes good.  Have some in the fridge ready when you’re having some mates round for a pow-wow with the good old pipe of peace.

 HERE’S HOW:

 1.                   Get some potatoes

2.                 Get some cabbage

3.                 Boil potatoes and cabbages to death and strain well.

4.                 Mix together, mash, and generally beat shit out of it.

5.                 Roll into sausage shapes and serve cold

 Warning:  This dish can generate enormous amounts of flatulence - last year it was fed to the people whose bottoms were powering the electronic sound equipment in the Musical Methane Tent at Glastonbury Festival, with highly successful results.  So if you have no immediate use for large volumes of methane, steer clear.

 Otherwise, enjoy!

 Coming soon to

  Dandy & Sparky Magazine

 YOUR PROBLEMS ANSWERED…
 A problem shared is a problem doubled, so don’t dump on your  friends; they don't want to hear your moaning.  Write to us, and we'll see if we can get you to pull yourself together.  Agony columnist AUNT PIMLICA will deal with your general hang-ups, while the eminent DOCTOR-TYPE person, PROFESSOR HEINZ UMLAUT, will try and sort out your medical problems.

Music Editor PAUL TEMPLETHRILLER...
Extensive coverage of everything during fest season such as the Musical Methane Tent with a farting hippy hooked up to a generator driving a sound system.  The hippy was fuelled by lentil flapjacks left over from last year’s festival.

…..and so much more - coming soon to 

Dandy & Sparky Magazine

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